Seven Things

Seven Things I will do before I die

1. Jump out of an airplane (hopefully with a parachute and really hopefully strapped to a darling man who will do all the work for me- except for the screaming).
2. Go to Macchu Picchu
3. Watch my girls graduate from college
4. Spend an entire month totally alone – no phones, no computers, no people.
5. Volunteer in a very needy country
6. Take my girls to Norway
7. Learn how to not overcook fish

Seven things I can do

1. Cook (except for fish)
2. Fake that I can do anything
3. Find humor in everything
4. Forgive
5. Have multiple orgasms (this has nothing to do with #2)
6. Diagram sentences
7. Draw chemical compounds

Seven things I can’t do

1. Write with my left hand
2. Love completely (not counting family, friends and children)
3. Chew on ice or bite on popsicles
4. Calmly face large spiders in my home
5. Pop my knuckles like a piano player
6. Raise one eyebrow
7. Tolerate hate

Seven things I am attracted to in the opposite sex

1. Arms
2. Chest
3. That little divot right underneath the hip bone
4. Generosity
5. Kindness
6. Sense of humor (should be first)
7. A dash of danger

Seven Celebrity Crushes
*if a movie is listed with the name, it is more the character than the actor

1. Johnny Depp in “Pirates of the Caribbean”
2. The General guy in “Mulan” (yes, I know it’s a cartoon)
3. Tom Brokaw
4. Voldemort (He has a celebrity nickname)
5. Brad Pitt – but only in “Legends of the Fall”
6. Wesley Snipes
7. George Clooney in “The Perfect Storm”

Seven People to take this quiz

1. Megan
2. J
3. Kristy
4. Crazy Aunt Pearl
5. Jeannie
6. Teresa
7. Shannon G

If you don't have a blog, or if you just prefer to - post your answers in the comments!

The Protection of Voldemort

I was all ready to expound on He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Voldemort from now on….) and give you a bit more info- but then…..out of sheer boredom (this new job is challenging only in spurts) I did a Tarot Card reading online. It was actually really fun. Let me know if you would like me to refer you there. You will get 100 Karma Coins! It’s like free psychic money!! And I get no tarot junk mail either (it's like they know I don't want any..).

And here is the part that just killed my whole blog idea for the day - a direct quote from my "Love Celtic Cross" reading……

"The card in the Loved One position refers to how you might perceive someone you are now or soon to be involved with. Alternatively, it may point to an archetypal energy source within yourself, which supports your ability to experience deeper love.

When the Page of Swords (in some decks, a Princess) is in this position, it would be better if you refrained from reporting to anyone else what is up with someone you care about. Sometimes this is because your friend is a private person who does not want everything he or she tells you to be passed on. At other times it is because there is need for discretion due to social protocols that need to be observed before conclusions are formed or announcements made."

So, there you go. I can't tell you. Nope. Don't even ask.

Invisible Labels and Other Perils of the New Job

Okay, work is going well....I think.

My brain happens to be a bit mushy right now. This would be due to the fact that I only got to have 2 days of training with the person who I am taking over for(for whom I am taking over).

Remember, this job had a three page job description...... 2 days training.........hmmmm.....

Actually, the only thing that keeps holding me up is remembering where everything is. Physically, there are tons of similar looking file cabinets labeled with obviously invisible labels as to what they contain. I find that I am spending a long time wandering around just looking in file cabinets.

The same things applies to the virtual world of computer files.

For example, I was going to try to find a check request made for my boss, Danette. I looked and I looked. Do you know where I finally found it?

In a folder named "Pam".

Who the hell is Pam?

But......the people are great, and I truly am enjoying myself. I'll let you know more later.

Baby, Please Don't Go

I start my new job tomorrow, so blog updates may be few and far between for awhile. Since I will be employed in the Legal Department, I should probably watch my P's and Q's - don't you think?

After my first paycheck, I have budgeted in internet access for my home. I am not going crazy with the spending of "the money". But the internet? Blogging? I must be able to blog for my sanity's sake.

So, wish me luck. Keep coming back. It may be sporadic for two more weeks, but please don't abandon me!

Comic Relief from the Soph-ster

The following things have actually be said by my 6 year old over the past few months:


Sophie: "If you go to Juvie, can you ever come back?"

Me: "Do you know what Juvie is? It means Juvenile Hall, and it is prison for kids."

Sophie: "Oh.....I pictured a purple fuzzy building with the word "Juvie" in rainbow letters - the letters are dancing."

Me: "Oh.....uh, nope."

#########

"I am getting old. I have hair on my knuckles."

#########

Sophie: "I am drawing a "Y" on the ground to mark my buried treasure."

Me: "Isn't that supposed to be an "X"?"

Sophie: Well, I don't want anyone to find it.

########

Bullies and Angry Mothers

I am not usually someone who feels the overwhelming need to kill someone.....but, yesterday I came very, very close.

My beautiful, sweet, innocent, would-not-hurt-a-fly, 8 year-old daughter Maya had a run-in with a neighbor of ours. Now, you must understand that Maya has never once been in a situation where anyone, adult or otherwise, has treated her unfairly or badly.

Her goal was to go to this neighbors house to ask if her friend Riley was there. Riley is there sporadically, I assume due to divorce and separation of her parents. Her father is the one that was staying at this house.

I was outside trimming my roses when Maya came sprinting back into our yard in tears - shaking like a leaf - and sobbing uncontrollably. My stomach immediately congealed into a state of what felt like granite. I had no idea what had happened, I could not even imagine. Absolute panic was lurking around the edges of my mind.

I finally got out of her what had happened.

She had knocked on the door and when there was no answer, she walked around the side of the house (in the driveway) to look into the backyard, over the fence, to see if Riley was there. A woman came up behind her, snatched Maya's rainbow baton and started yelling at her.

She accused Maya of stealing the baton out of the backyard. Now, there is no way for Maya to even get into the backyard where she was. When Maya told her that she did not steal it, that her Dad just bought it at the dollar store for her the day before, the woman threw it on the ground. She then grabbed Maya by the shoulders and told her that Riley no longer lived there and to never, ever come back there again.

Maya never played at their house, but Riley was constantly at ours. I don't let my girls play at anyone's house but ours unless I know the parents very well. I had met Riley's Dad, but I had never met this evil woman - whoever she is.

I got Maya settled down somewhat and inside our house and I went over to pay this "neighbor" a little visit. I cannot express to you how angry I was. I felt as if she had taken part of my daughters innocence and squashed it.

I was kinda feeling like squashing her, to be perfectly frank about it.

I am not a violent person. A lover not a fighter, you might say. I have only been in two fights in my life. One was with Howard Reichle in first grade (I am a bit fuzzy on the exact outcome of that one), and one was with my sister when I was about 13 or 14. I would venture to say that I won that one (but I am not proud of it). I was not necessarily looking for a fight, but I was ready for one. As I was ringing her doorbell I was shaking and my breath was raspy. I was muttering under my breath, "Stay cool, don't get obnoxious.....just try to make a point."

Of course, the chicken-bully-can-only-pick-on-innocent-8-year-old-neighbor would not answer her door.

When I went back home, I felt helpless. I wanted to show Maya that I could do something to stand up for her in a situation like this.

So........I called the police.

I know it was not really necessary. But when Maya told me that she was never going outside again because, "That lady was just so mean" I had to do something. The officer called, and I let Maya talk to him and I talked to him. She seemed very relieved. I then took the phone outside and explained to the officer that I really did know that there was nothing he could do, but I needed to show my daughter that she and I could regain some semblance of safety and control in her life.

I was ready to have a lecture on what the police department was really there for. But, what he told me was that I did the right thing and he wished more people would stand up for their children that way. He even said that he would be voluntarily calling the neighbor and counseling her on her inappropriate behavior.

Yay Puyallup Police Department.

Although Maya was convinced she could never go outside again, I talked her into riding her scooter up and down the street, as she usually does, last night. I told her to never, ever, ever let anyone intimidate you.....she had a right to play on her street and no bully should ever be able to stop that.

She came back from her ride with the biggest grin on her face.

Yay Maya. I am so proud of her.

The Ring Master of the Let's Pretend Circus

So, a few years ago I went to the Puyallup Fair with my kids. There was a great little tent called “The Let’s Pretend Circus” where kids could dress up as tight rope walkers, lions, tigers, bears, sharpshooters, etc and put on a circus for the delight of their parents. This was all led by a Ring Master, who artfully paraded gads of children through their performance with the “greatest of ease”.

This Ring Master, I must tell you, was absolutely delightful. He was great with the kids and charming and very, very handsome.

I had been celibate for some time, so the affect that he had on me was probably exaggerated, but I went home and raved on and on about this Ring Master to my roommate Kris. Of course, I was going to do nothing about this because it was just a passing thing and obviously hormonally driven.

To my chagrin, Kris went to the fair the next day and approached this Ring Master and had the audacity to give him my business card. I was horrified. Especially so when she told me that he had a girlfriend. I, of course, did not hear from him and the embarrassment eventually subsided.

Six months later I received an email through my business email address with the subject line “Remember Me?” We emailed back and forth, escalating things bit by bit until our next meeting was inevitable, and that meeting would obviously include something of a sexual tone……

So, I took the time that I had left when I still had a brain to set up some ground rules. These rules were actually listed in a bulleted form and I really needed him to agree to them before things went further. I can’t remember all of the rules, but here are some….

He could not be allowed to know my children or hang out at my house.
He could not call or email excessively.
He could not expect anything of me.
I needed to have a set “date” at least once a week that did not interfere with my children’s schedule.

Needless to say, he was more than happy to oblige. (Every man’s dream – sex with no strings attached. Not a bad deal.) We set up a rolling date for every Tuesday at 10 a.m. and it was great – sideshow, circus freak, center ring fabulous!

We have diverged our lives on and off for a few years, and I have once again been emailing and talking to him. It is nice – a comfortable place to be where I know the rules will be followed.

Circus freaks beat celibacy every time!

Well............

I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
I GOT IT, GOT IT, GOT IT!

I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
I GOT IT, GOT IT, GOT IT!

Yet Another Interview....

Okay, short update. I had another interview yesterday and it went really well. So well, in fact, that I was asked when I could start......

However, she also said, "You should know sometime tomorrow when we make our final decision."

My tummy hurts.

Portents of Doom

So, yesterday was the big day. "THE INTERVIEW". By the way, the interview went extremely well. Really, really well. The main Sr. Counsel was sick, so unfortunately, my pins and needles wait will continue for a few more days. Let me just tell you how the day started.

- At 3 a.m. I was awakened (woken? awaked?) by an incredibly overwhelming smell of skunk. I had to get up and turn all of my fans so they would blow outward and pray that my clothes were not permiated with the gut wrenching smell.

- At 5 a.m. I woke up, went into the bathroom for my morning shower and discovered that the glass shower door was cobwebbed into a broken mass of glass that was barely hanging on inside the frame of the door.
I showered anyway..... very carefully. But, of course, there were two minute pieces of glass that fell onto the shower floor that I stepped on and imbedded in the ball of my left foot.
I suppose it could have been worse, because when I exited the shower and shut the door, it collapsed into pebbly glass chunks in the bottom of said shower.

-At this point I am trying not to panic. I start brushing my teeth and proceed to throw up. Thow up! I never throw up. I didn't even feel sick. I chalk it up to nervousness and aggressive tongue brushing.

So, I go to work, telling myself all day that it is not an unlucky day. I just got out all of the bad luck early!!

I made it to the interview sans accidents and was just starting to relax when I saw the name of the room where I was being interviewed. In this company all meeting rooms are named after mountains or famous peaks, etc. Guess where my interview was being held?

The Suicide Peak Room.

My Future and Cuteness Defined

Okay! The big interview is tomorrow! I am meeting the Sr. Admin, the paralegals, the other Admin. Assistant, all legal counsel for the company, and the Sr. counsel that I may be working for (I mean, "for whom I may be working". I hate dangling prepositions).

This interview is scheduled from 2:30-4:30. Doesn't that seem like a long time? My first interview was already an hour long......

Here is what I am thinking. I am thinking that I already have the job and they just want to make sure that they all can stand me before they make it official. Right? Doesn't it sound like that? please?

****

Oh, on a totally separate and unrelated topic, I have always referred to this one person (He-who-must-not-be-named) as "cute enough I just want to shake him". However, Megan had added to my understanding of cute. He-who-must-not-be-named is actually so cute I want to shake him and bite him.

Don't pretend you don't know exactly the kind of cute that is.

"Weekend at the Love Junkyard"

I have saved an email that I received a few months ago from a friend of mine. It is one of the things that I like to go back to a re-read. It is beautifully written, and sad, and sweet. It is about her trip to go help her Mother clean up her apartment. Her Father passed away quite a number of years ago and his things were still there, right where he left them.

I conjures up many feelings for me, the most overwhelming of which is confusion. I cannot imagine loving someone so completely. I don't know if I'm jealous or terrified.

It was a productive, but heart wrenching visit. I can’t explain the poignancy of going through all that stuff with her. These days she is largely a sleepy, non-combative version of her once mighty self. She seems to float through her days staring off into space, absentmindedly drinking watered down ginger ale. (don’t know why, but she adds water to it.) Then we open her pajama drawer and she has his pajamas there all tangled up with all these old ones of hers and I say gently, ever so gently, “Hon, we have to move these. They can’t just stay there, you have to make room for all your real nightgowns that are hanging in that bathroom” She suddenly sparks up and says very firmly, much the way I know her to be “I can’t. I can’t move them.” Just seeing the life in her eyes when she’s protecting that stuff is enough to make me put my head down and cry for a week.
I managed to convince her to move things to one place, which was a momentous achievement. (“Daddy would kill you if he saw this mess”) Part of the appeal for her, I think is seeing him in various ways around her apartment. As if he is just out for a walk or something. His gloves and hat in the hall desk, his coat hanging in the closet, his shaving kit on her bathroom counter, his food in the cupboard. She’s never changed his name in the phone book, because of the spasm of relief she feels when she gets junk mail addressed to him. Most of her bills come in under his name. It’s crazy. Crazy, and so heartbreaking, I can hardly think about it.
She found an anniversary card from him (32nd anniversary) as we were sorting out the table beside her desk. It was a Thank You note. Inside he’d written,
Darling,
This is a terrible card. I bought it, in frustration, because all the anniversary cards said so much, but really nothing at all. This one seemed more fitting.
I cannot imagine this world without you. You are everything to me.
My love, you are my life.

Dan


Christ.

xxm

Wow.

PRACTICE Interview

Sherri has "interviewed" me. What follows are questions that I answered truthfully, honestly and with absolutely no smart-assishness (new word). I thought I needed the practice.

Please feel free to send me any interview questions you feel may help me. The countdown to my second interview is Monday August 15th at 2:30.


Here are your interview questions:

1. What is the single greatest accomplishment of your life that doesn't include your job or your children?

I suppose it is keeping my sense of humor no matter what. Bad relationships, poor money management, good money management with poor amounts of money, "love", disenchantment, etc. I can laugh at it all.

2. If you had to come back to the Earth as a man and you could pick someone from past history to be, who would it be and why?

Jesus. Not for any religious reasons, but because I want to know what the heck is real and what are just great stories....

3. If you had to choose a so-so relationship with a very attractive and wealthy man who would support you for life or could be with the love of your life who is poor for one year, which would you pick and why?

This may sound terrible, but it would be the so-so relationship. And not because of the support thing. I can do that, not always well, but I can. The reason is, if this person is the love of my life, I assume (because I am ignorant about love) that I would love him as wholeheartedly as I love my children. I can't imagine my children leaving me. I would die. I don't want to die - therefore I do not want true love (except for my children) for any amount of time, thank you very much.

That "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"? Bull. Absolute crap.

4. If you could have one super power what would it be and why?

Breathing underwater (can I couple this with the ability not to be sqooshed by the weight of water at any depth?). I mean, who really needs to fly with satellites that can give us a perfect birds-eye view of everything? Just imagine what you could find underwater.....the last frontier on earth.

5. If there was one point in time in the past that you could go back to and change what would it be?

That is very, very dangerous. Don't you watch the cartoons that specifically warn us about changing the past? I suppose if I had to do something, I would make Hitler's dad impotent.

Interview

I have just tons of pictures of our Montana vacation and no way to post them right now. It is a bit irritating, but I promise to somehow, someway satisfy your voyeuristic tendencies.

Also, I have applied for a new job at my current company. The job description is three pages long, and although I am a time management dynamo - it scared me a little. I must get a better position. I love my job. You all remember the fun and charming emails that I receive. I really hate to leave all that.....but....one must move onward and upward.

How in the world can I convey to these people that I am exactly the person for this job? I have thought of the following sample answers to probable interview questions.....

1. "Yes, I realize there are numerous simultaneous deadlines, but since I'm an eternal procrastinator, I am unfazed and relatively stress free when it comes to last minute projects."
2. "Have I ever had problems with a supervisor? Never! I tend to ignore their instructions and do it my way since I am always right. They never notice this because I am very good at covering up any mistakes so they seem to be someone else's fault."
3. "Do I have any experience working within a legal department of a large corporation? Some days I consider my life as complicated as a large corporation, and I do have experience in things legal and illegal - so I suppose my answer would be a resounding YES!"
4. "Oh, yes, the whole "degree" thing.....I was one of those genius types in school. You know the ones. Just too damn bright to be challenged in a typical educational setting. A degree is totally meaningless, I'm sure you are smart enough to realize that."

Well, I think I am very ready for my interview. Feeling confident. Yep.

Pray for me.

All About Me

Thanks to Anika (the swanky International Blogger) I have found a place where I can make up my own quiz! It is all about me (which means it is incredibly interesting) and all the answers can be found in this blog. Take it! It's fun!

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!