E-dating = Load of Crap

Okay, so the other day my friend Kristy and I were watching TV and were arguing a bit about an E-Harmony ad that we saw. She is much more hopelessly romantic than I am when it comes to relationships, or maybe it is best described as me being cynical.... So, we opted to take their survey. Good God! It took about an hour each to finish. AND (here is cynical me talking) Kristy and I were oddly similar as far as the personality profile was concerned. However, we are very different in the following ways....

1. She is a bleeding-heart, love-will-conquer-all romantic. I am not.
2. She is a lesbian. I am not.
3. She likes butch women. I do not (but I do appreciate butch men...).
4. She likes to spend the majority of her free time with her partner. I do not.
5. She cannot live without physical touch (ie: cuddling on the couch). I cannot stand unnecessary cuddling.
6. She likes long walks on the beach..........

Well, you get the picture.

The really ironic thing is that when we got our (almost carbon-copy) profiles back I had matches and she didn't. She even "played it straight" and asked for a match with men, so that wasn't the problem. I don't want to be matched, she does. How weird is this e-harmony matchmaking thing?

So, I get all these matches sent to me, and obviously they did not listen to anything I said in my little quiz thingy. I am getting matched with tons of soldiers from Ft. Lewis, most of whom believe in a "traditional" relationship. Hmmm.... I do not believe in a "traditional" relationship.

Here are some excerpts from recent match profiles...

1. The one thing Curt wishes MORE people would notice about him is:
   that i have very old fashioned beliefs, (NOT what I am looking for)
2. The last book Curt read and enjoyed:
   Louis LaMour Sackett Series, I like my westerns and and history (NOT into the "Western" genre, nothing against it, but not a good match e-harmony...)
3. The most important thing TUAN is looking for in a person is:
   THAT THEY DONT JUDGE GUYS BY THE WAY THEY LOOK ON THE OUTSIDE BUT JUDGE THEM WHAT THEY HAVE ON THE INSIDE. THAT WE GET ALONG TOGETHER AND THAT WE HAVE SOME THINGS IN COMMON AND THEY ACCEPT ME THE WAY I AM (absolutely fantastic and great, but Tuan DON'T YELL AT ME!)
4. Some additional information TUAN wanted you to know is:
   THAT IM NOT THAT GREAT LOOKING BUT I THINK I HAVE THE QUALITIES AND THE HEART TO TREAT A LADY LIKE THE WAY THEY SHOULD BE TREAT. (Great honesty, poor proofreading, and I am a bit afraid that the way I should be "treat" may be a bit different that what you are expecting. AGAIN WITH THE YELLING!)
5. One thing that only JOAQUIN's best friends know is:
   That I am very loyal and will always be there in there time of need. (I can get a dog for that, no offense)
6. Some additional information Douglas A wanted you to know is:
   I truely believe that it is inportant that a couple be able to hold a mature conversation. But, not all the time, they should aslo be able to talk silly to each other and make each other laugh. (You goofy little pooky-bear......I think I'd rather puke.)

I am having a hard time believing in this whole e-harmony profile matching system. It does not seem to have grasped my personality at all. It may have misconstrued bitterness for "playing hard to get", I don't know. I just don't trust it.

Spawn, be free! 

Sammy the Salmon and Mia are set free! Fish Power! 

Mass Beaching Reported Near Pacific Coast

Please click to enlarge picture.

A horrid site. A mass grounding of "barbietious mattelamus" at an undisclosed location. Scientists are still at a loss to explain this rare event. This species, more often referred to as "Barbies" are known to regularly shed their clothes never to don them again. It is widely believed that this pertains to some elaborate mating ritual. Mass beachings are more rare, however. A group of five volunteers tried to save these majestic creatures, but to no avail.

Spawn 'til you Die!

A few months ago the girls and I went to Snake Lake in Tacoma. It's a Nature Center with great trails, etc. We adopted some salmon that were being raised for release for a buck a piece, what a bargain! Sophie named hers Sammy the salmon, and Maya (mie-a) named hers Mia (mee-a).

I had forgotten about the little fingerlings until I received a letter from the Nature Center a few days ago letting us know that our little darlings were being released into the wild. Would we like to be there? As good adoptive parents (I know we had forgotten for awhile, but give us a break) we would not miss it for the world.

I decided at this point that this was a fantastic opportunity to turn a $2 impulse purchase into a huge event. I had the girls pick out some ratty old white shirts and gave them a Sharpie marker and let them go to town. The shirts turned out fantastic, the fronts read , "Go Mia, Love, Maya" and "I love Sammy the Salmon". They had great renditions of smallish salmon (for some reason having only a tail and no extraneous fins, but oh well) swimming thru reeds.

My shirt - well, that took awhile. I first wanted to copy a Ray Troll painting that says "Spawn till you die!" But then I remembered that small children were going to be at this event with their often humorless mothers that may not appreciate my razor wit. Soooo, I on the front of my t-shirt I wrote, "Live free! Spawn with care!" This I thought was funny and reminded me of "Live free or die!" (which I had also been considering) On the back I drew a multitude of small fishies around large letters saying, "School's out!" You know, the school of fish is out - as in being released? And it has a double meaning because school just got out for the kids too?

I know that only incredibly intelligent and with-it people read this blog so I am sure you understood what I was going for immediately..... However, when the Mom's read my shirt at this event, more than a few said, "That is so sweet!" as if I really was concerned with their choices of spawning partners and/or habits. The school thing just went right over their heads. All I got on that one was, "When did your kids get out of school?" When will people realize that being a mother (or father for that matter) does not mean you must become devoid of all humor?

I was so proud to see my daughters jumping up and down after releasing their salmon. They were screaming, "Go Sammy! Swim! You can do it! See you later!" The others quietly released their fish and seemed to ponder the seriousness of the salmon life cycle before dejectedly walking back to their vehicles.

We had way more fun (and our salmon loved us more, I could just tell).

Continuation of the Me List # 41-50

1. I am in love with Tom Brokaw. Seriously.
2. I also think Prince is incredibly sexy. Go figure.
3. My favorite punctuation mark is the ellipse......
4. My favorite artificial flavoring vacillates between lemon and orange.
5. Orange is my favorite color because I feel sorry for it, not because I love the artificial color of the same name.
6. I had a Jello cookbook as a child and made every recipe in it.
7. My kids hate Jello.
8. My daughter Sophia has a freckle on the back of her right ear lobe. Sometimes I get scared at night that maybe it has faded or something, so I sneak into her room and check to see if it's still there.
9. Maya has a birthmark shaped like a lightning bolt on the back of her neck. I told her, with a very straight face, that she may possibly be getting a letter from Hogwarts in a few years.
10. All perfumes or other scents that I wear must have an overwhelming tendency towards grapefruit.

My Theory Regarding Undergarments

Okay, so when I got out of a bad relationship a few years ago I made one promise to myself, just one. I would never wear white panties ever again. Ever. This goes mostly for bras, too. However I have a penchant for white cotton button-down shirts and sometimes there is just nothing else to do but wear white under that. Normally I wear whatever color I choose anyway because bras and breasts are no longer really a mystery to anyone, but things like job interviews call for a degree of modesty.

ANYWAY, I went to Kmart (hey it's close and it's cheap) to get some replacement chair pads for a new swinging chair a friend of mine just gave me. Not only were all of their chair pads on sale for 20% off (ding!) but they also had all womens undergarments on sale (ding! ding!). I must admit that I have a thing for new bras and underwear. Nothing makes me happier, retail-ly speaking of course. Matching sets, boy shorts, cheeky booty's (you must love these if only for the name), underwires, push-ups, tank tops with shelf bras......oh, I could go on. I find that wearing crazy things under my clothes give my self esteem a boost (ha-ha) and I have become dependent on that feeling. There is nothing more satisfying than sitting through a job interview in your conservative suit all the while thinking, "He/She has no idea that I am wearing chili pepper panties."

I digress, let's get back to Kmart.....I was not finding anything I just had to have, and the bras were disturbing old-lady bullet bras- then I stumbled across the find of the year. I found these.... but they have a pink background instead of red - which truly sets off the Super Girl logo better anyway. There was even a matching tank top! I feel as if I have hit panty paydirt! (I am wearing them right now, can you tell?)

Best Medicine

Oh, I should never, ever read personal ads at "The Onion" while simultaneously taking customer service phone calls. I usually answer the phone, "Welcome to ____! This is Shari, how can I help you?" This time, with "help" from simultaneous reading of a very funny section of this personal ad I said, "Welcome to _____! This is Shari, how can I hate you?" Oh yes my friends, this is what I said. I immediately put myself on mute and slapped my hand over my mouth. What the hell? Amazingly, the woman didn't skip a beat and did not even acknowledge my faux pas.

After I got off the phone I just had to tell a few of my co-workers what I did. This is where the hard part comes in. If something strikes me as funny, I tend to go into hysterics. I laugh so hard that no noise comes from me and tears stream from my eyes. It is absolutely impossible for me to finish a story. It goes something like this,

me: "Oh my god, Shannon! You'll never believe what I did! (laugh, laugh) I answered the phone (laugh) "Welcome to ____" (laugh, cover mouth, dab at eyes) "This is Shari" (convert to silent laughter) "How can I.........How can I......." (more silent laughter)

Shannon: Yeah? What?

me: (silent laughter)

Shannon: ha-ha (uncomfortable silence)

me: (silent laughter for a very long 30 seconds) HOW CAN I HATE YOU! (much more silent laughter and copious tears)


It is truly amazing I was even able to get it all out. Really. Sometimes it has taken me weeks to get an entire story out. At my previous place of employment my co-worker would just roll her eyes and say, "GREAT! We'll never find out now!"

I once did this while on a first date with a guy. I can't even remember what it is exactly that he said. I think it was using an incorrect word or a mixed metaphor. It was funny, but honestly it probably did not warrant my hysterical-lay-your-head-in-your-arms-body-shaking laughter that lasted from the salad all the way through the main course. I remember taking about two bites of my salad and not even touching dinner. I couldn't even ask the waitress to box it up, and by this time he certainly was not going to do me any favors. He ended up being a real jackass anyway.

Someone once told me that my laughter is my defense mechanism. I think it is possibly more like my Achilles heel.

Things About Me # 31-40

1. I am an incurable romantic with a phobia of commitment.
2. I love the smell of gas and permanent markers - however I have never once even considered huffing. Will power, that's what that is.
3. I have a few overwhelming but illogical fears - one being that someone will shoot into my car while driving on the freeway and kill one or both of my children (morbid, sorry).
4. Another illogical fear - being struck by lightning. This however may not be so illogical as I have had two very close calls, both resulting in me being thrown to the ground by the proximity of a lightning strike. I hate lightning.
5. Illogical fear #3 - that looking at sparks from fireworks will cause me to go blind.
6. Whenever I smell Play-doh I have an overwhelming urge to chew on it.
7. If I bump my a hand or a foot on something I don't feel right until I bump the opposite hand or foot on the same thing. It makes me feel all lopsided if I don't.
8. I haven't had sex (with anyone but myself) for almost 1 year.
9. I miss the aforementioned sex, but not as much as I miss kissing. Sex can be simulated, kissing can't.
10. A friend of mine just gave me her porch swing - it is a source of never-ending happiness so far.

My Best Compliment

I must say that I was given the best compliment ever today. I have a friend, and I won't mention her name because she is on the lam, a fugitive from justice as it were. Anyway, this is what she wrote to me in an email that I opened up at 4 am.

I am so very proud of you about the job/money thing. It’s funny, but the more I know you, the more I realize why you get that funny look on your face when things are rough and you just say, “ It’ll work out somehow….” ‘Cause it ALWAYS DOES with you, you crazy lady.
Not to make less of all your creative budgeting and the working at all hours that you do, and through it all you manage to keep your face to the sunshine and laugh, so that if I were to ask either one of your children what it is they know of their hardworking mother it would be that you are joyful.
I am so proud of you.

I am loathe to admit it, but it made me tear up. Thank you. You know who you are.

I am a Gardener for the Mafia

I have been working with a friend of mine, Teresa, doing some lawn work and landscaping. If you recall in my "Resume" post, one of the things I would like to do with my life is garden for old people. This part time job is getting awfully close to fulfilling that lifelong dream!

This one house in particular has been a source of much joy for me. The work itself is pretty awful; weeds 4 feet high - everywhere- and a hill in the backyard that I almost needed to rent climbing gear to weed. I just have a hard time complaining about weeding. Where I grew up we had heavy clay laden soil and no rain. Hardly ever. This hardened the soil into what appeared to be cement with a layer of coarse sand on top. Weeds grew in this - especially thistles.

My Mom grew trees to sell. (Evil Knievel has our trees at his house - just a little trivia) This was not in any way a full time job or something that was taken very seriously, but the trees were there and needed to be weeded. This particular location was very hard soil and full of thistles. I hated it. She would always tell us, "Pull them out by the ROOTS! THE ROOTS DAMMIT!". This was impossible. Weeds do not pull out of cement. Here, on the other hand, the soil is black and soft and you can just sink your hand down into it without even trying. Weeds pull out with a soft pop and a sigh. It's a thing of beauty.

ANYWAY, this man who's yard I was weeding works graveyard shift and obviously lives alone. I believe he is from Russia from his accent. I am, however, far from an expert in the area of accents and he could be Peruvian for all I know. But we will stick to Russian for the sake of the story.....

At 2 pm the first day he wandered outside, looking bleary-eyed and smoking a cigarette. He looked at me and gruffly said, "I wake up". When he said this I assumed that he meant that I woke him up so I began apologizing profusely for any noise I might have made. He eventually smiled and waved me off, telling me "No, not you. I must go to store to shop for food for the week". OOOhhh, grocery shopping. Makes me grumpy too.

I started having little daydreams - not sexual, you freaks- about this man. What would happen if his rivals came to knock him off while I was kneeling in the thick stand of weeds? Would I hide? Would I run? I think these concerns started with his eyebrows. He had eyebrows that were incredibly shaggy! They were so shaggy that he, at some point had brushed them all straight up toward his hairline and cut them straight across. This obviously tells one much about a person. To me it screamed, Russian mafia. (I don't think the accent helped this assumption.)

When he returned I asked him what he wanted me to do with all of the sickly rose bushes. Some were mere sticks protruding from the ground, but people can be weird about roses so I was pulling no sticks until I had permission. Who knows what could happen if I pull up the rose bush of a Russian mafia boss. Severed horse head in my bed, I'm sure. Either that or an all out borscht attack. This is what he said. I repeated it over and over so I would not forget it....

"If they live, then I let them live. If they do not live, they go away."

Mafia. Totally.

I Have Proof!

I know that I haven't blogged for awhile, but life is crazy. I work, I Mom (yes, it's a verb), I landscape, I pick insanely large, red hair from my head. Grey is just not happening to me..... Be sure to click on picture below to view. It may be hard to tell, but there is one of my normal blond hairs next to the curly behemoth that is evident in the picture.

Rogue Hair - click to enlarge picture 

Long Live Love Hemophiliacs

After listening to this song I have decided that it is my new theme song. My favorite line is "I don't have to make love, 'cause love made me". Reminds me that a celibacy celebration is rapidly approaching. If you are unfamiliar with my infamous celibacy celebrations (plural: celibacy celbrati) I promise to explain in an upcoming entry. My last theme song was "Bad Mama Jama", which I must say is still very fitting. If you don't have a theme song of your own, get one. Very important.

Also, I realize that anything that I consider romantic is also bloody and tragic. I guess that I equate love only with the willingness to bleed profusely. For example, one of my favorite songs is 1952 Vincent Black Lightning , another example of the dichotomy of death and love that I so adore.

More Proof That Superglue is Evil

If you do not know why I have such an aversion to superglue, please read this post before continuing.....

I just read an old Dave Barry article that sums up my fears completely. I'm telling you, you just never know the evil ways this substance can be put to use....

click here

Maya the Magnificent

I have mentioned a few things about my daughter Sophie in this blog, but not a ton about Maya. She is my oldest and equally as fantastic as her sister. Totally different, but equally fantastic. While Sophie is a total nut and will do anything for a laugh, Maya is quiet and sweet and very athletic. While Sophie would be labeled as adorable, Maya would be labeled as gorgeous. She just has that air about her. I need to brag on her for a bit. I feel that I have been lacking in stories that involve Miss Maya. (Being fair is important to me. I used to line up all my stuffed animals on my shelf and sleep with them in turn. I didn't want any of them to feel left out. But I don't care what you have heard, I never once applied this concept to men!)

Because of my job, I am often getting up at 2:45 am and waking the girls to take them to a babysitter. Not the best situation, I understand, but unavoidable if I want to be employed. My girls are troopers! We always pack their bags the night before, set out their slippers and have blankets at the ready. However, I was not able to find Sophie's right slipper last night. I solved this problem by putting slipper socks on her. These keep her warm and toasty, but I was forced to carry her to the car.

Maya was a bleary-eyed and did not notice that I was putting the socks on Sophie. When we walked out the door she finally noticed (probably because I was carrying her) and said in a concerned voice, "Oooh, what happened to Sophie's slippers?" Now this is hard to convey the full extent of her concern. Just imagine the tone that is in someone's voice when they say, "Are you feeling sick?" and then imagine the tone when someone says, "Oh no, have you broken your leg?". Maya was concerned enough about the slipper scenario to use the latter tone.

It just reminded me what a great and loving person Maya is. At 3 am and at 8 years old, it is pretty amazing for any kid to be concerned about anything but themselves. She is selfless, kind and a great sister (and daughter). I am honored to be her Mother.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Many blogs that I read have a list of 100 things about the writer. This, I suppose, helps people get to know the blogger more personally. I think this is a grand idea, but since I seem to have problems following through on large projects, I will post my list in segments. I have already listed 10 items I like and 10 items I dislike here. I will count these toward my 100 things. Here are some interesting (or not, depending on your view) facts about me....

1. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is one of my favorite movies.
2. So is the Princess Bride.
3. I am a bit obsessive about trimming my toenails.
4. Pomegranates give me strange and misty childhood flashbacks.
5. While most people go gray, I keep finding disturbing thick red hairs intermixed with the blonde. I have (accidentally) dyed my hair red, but that was a long time ago. And, the diameter of these rogue hairs is about twice that of my normal hair, which leads me to believe that is has nothing to do with that particular incident. I am picturing me with wiry, bright red hair as I grow old. Cool.
6. I am a Gemini, born in the Chinese year of the Rat (I am a water rat, to be precise).
7. I have listened to "Moby Dick" on tape 3 times in the past year.
8. Every time I am confronted with news regarding the war on Iraq or horrible environmental issues I compulsively recycle. We are talking peeling off labels to put in the mixed paper recycling before the can of food is actually used.
9. I have a secret affection for slugs.
10. I tell my kids that stupid and hate are bad words and don't allow them to use them. I vacillate between feeling strangely controlling and feeling like a good person for doing this.

Pictures are In!

The pictures from camping are in, and for the life of me I could not figure out how to get them all in one post. So bear with me and scroll down to share in the joy that was my Memorial Day/Birthday weekend.

Victory is Mine

I like to call this "Shari's Ringer, Mang's Sadness"

Maya and Sophie

Diva campers

Smart Mom, that's me!

Ingenious use of bulky sleeping bags as backseat kid barriers!

Loaded and Ready

Note: fully loaded Minty Squirrel is undaunted and wearing it's hat at a jaunty, devil-may-car(e) angle.

Commercial Irritation

I hate the commercial about OnStar that has children saying things like,

"What will you do when my little brother Timmy is slowly dying and you don't have OnStar?"

"If we get in a terrible accident, no one will help us but OnStar."

"Let's put locksmith's out of business! OnStar can unlock our doors!"

"In a few years, you will wonder what you did without it." (this is the only true direct quote)

Well, maybe they don't say exactly those things, but they want to.


AND THEN, there is the Philadelphia Cream Cheese commercials touting cream cheese as having 1/3 FEWER CALORIES THAN BUTTER! But have you ever noticed how much cream cheese they are putting on the bagel? My god! Just imagine slathering butter on that thick! I'm sure you would actually be at least doubling the calories/fat of butter. Stupid marketing people. Unfortunately, there are people, I am sure, that have jumped on that bandwagon.

ARGH.

And McDonald's? They are now marketing to the younger crowd. In doing this they make sure to talk like idiots in the commercials. Is no one pissed about this? I'm lovin' it?