Tis the Season

The girls and I have been talking.

We've been talking their entire lives. About anything and everything. They are smart and well-rounded and funny as hell.

And they totally get it.

They brought up the conversation about how artificial Christmas is. It started with them laughing hysterically at some toy commercials. They are sharp enough to point out that Bratz dolls, Barbies and My Scene dolls are all one in the same. Sophie noticed that if parents aren't willing to buy Bratz, they will probably let their kids have My Scene dolls. And everyone seems pretty fine with Barbies.

"I bet they are all by the same company Mom. That way they get the money no matter what. I don't want any Barbies this year. Everyone buys them for us and we have a hundred. I don't even play with them. What a waste of money."

Then we discussed artificial Christmas trees versus real. I like the idea of real, but love the ease of use of artificial. Our old artificial tree was showing its age, so we "Freecycled" it. When out shopping for another I kept walking back and forth in front of this tree thinking, "Oh no. I can't. Can I? Is it ridiculous? Oh my god, I love it. But I can't. Can I?" and on and on.

Finally I did.

The whole Christmas theme was identified. And the girls came up with the final them out of a few different contenders. It is.....

"Have an Artificial Christmas!"

What We Did For Many Weekends

Many, many crazy things are afoot right now. My girls have been gone to Montana for two weeks and that always makes me very sad. This year my group of friends have all done a fabulous job of keeping me entertained and distracted.

The first distraction was the all-weekend multi-family garage sale. Saturday was spent completely goofing off and not being good sales people. I, seriously, made $9. I blame it completely on my ridiculous co-salespersons.....




This is John, my real life co-worker. I "just happened" to catch him relaxing on the pile of pillows with his Shape magazine, his golden challis and a bejeweled apple. If my yard were the Garden of Eden, John would have been Eve. (slut.)

Speaking of sluts (ohhhh! just kidding!) Natalie was encouraged to pose seductively with the neighbors hot rims (she was employed in the "Rim Job" department). The fairy wings were added to give this hard core shot a bit of sensitivity and playfulness. She is totally going to end up on a grease-smudged mechanic's calendar somewhere....


Many beers and sunburned cells later this fantastic little guy dropped by our garage sale to peruse our wares. He happened to also be a meat salesperson, selling steaks and things from the back of his freezer truck. We sold him nothing and spent all of our profits (that were not spent on beer) on steaks. He was a bit uncomfortable, I think, with the level of friendship that we felt we deserved with him, the meat man. The man of meat. Ha.

Throughout the next week I was kept busy with random things, all leading up to a rollicking night out with my co-workers Daniel, Candice and John. John is leaving for Pennsylvania for a job with our company and I'm a bit irritated that he is going. It's against all my plans and I don't appreciate his lack of forethought on my account.

We all met at Daniel's house in Capital Hill in Seattle. Capital Hill is a community that is mostly gay and lesbian and therefore has the best nightlife around. Daniel and his boyfriend were wonderful hosts. I served up wonderful margaritas with little "S" limes on top (because my name is Shari and Shari starts with an "S"). It's really all about me. The best thing is I made a few bucks due to the tip cup that someone thoughtfully placed on the kitchen counter.

During the imbibing of the margaritas we also played a screamingly exciting game of Jenga as demonstrated by John's face in the following picture:

The best part of the night was when we actually went out to the gay bar ("Neighbors"). I once had a lesbian roommate for a few years and had been indoctrinated into the gay bar scene - so I suppose I knew what to expect. John, as it turned out, did not know what to expect.

I warned him early on not to wear the "metro" shirt in the picture above, but he thought I was being a brat. There are many things one should listen to an older woman about....shirt choice in a gay bar being only one of them.

We descended to the lower part of Neighbors into what was dubbed "El Noche Latino". Sounds promising, right? Oh si, es muy bueno. Many gay hispanic men were milling about in button down shirts and squished straw cowboy hats. John seemed to be doing quite well until I noticed him staring at the buxom girls across the bar.

"John. That's a man."

"What!!? No it's not! She has boobs."

"Yeah. Well the part that might matter more is still a man."

"No way!"

I was ready to give him the blow by blow (so to speak) regarding transgender individuals when I was rudely interrupted by the beginnings of "La Noche Latino's" drag show. If you have never seen a drag show I suppose it could be relatively confusing. And not just because of the gender issues.

Why is it that it is important to dress up so extravagantly and lip sync popular songs?

I do not know the answer to this question, but I will admit that it is quite entertaining. The best part of this particular show was the look on John's face through the entire thing. The first guy (who was actually dressed as a guy) was most of the way through his song when John said, "Hm, he's a really good singer." The lip syncing thing hadn't quite hit him yet.

I could have just sat and watched his face all night, but we decided we must go upstairs and check out the dance floor. Daniel and I immediately dove into the fray, leaving John with Christopher, Daniel's boyfriend. Unbeknownst to us, Christopher also left John. Poor guy...he was standing in the middle of the gay bar for a good 20 minutes all by himself with his Paul Bunyan-esque looks and metro-sexual shirt.

It's amazing he was still there when we came off the dance floor.

He seemed to be a bit disturbed by the guy dancing in the cage and the adorable little man that passed us by dressed in only white satin underwear - a white handkerchief tied jauntily around his neck offsetting his cowboy hat beautifully - to check his own ass out in the mirror to our left. But by far the most disturbing to John was when he was surreptitiously pinched in the side and hit on by a very available and interested-in-some-Paul-Bunyan-roleplay man.

"I'm straight!" John literally yelled at the poor man.

Oh, it was a great evening.

I could go on and tell you about the most recent weekend, but I have to stop this at some point. I think a new post is in order.....

What We Did This Weekend - Pig Edition

The girls spent Saturday with their Dad for Father's Day. He took them to the Fremont Fair - which is well known for some strange goings on.



I got a phone call Saturday afternoon from a very amazed sounding Sophie..."Mom? We're at the fair and, well....there are a lot of naked people here."



"Oh yeah?" I said, "That's pretty cool. I bet they're riding bicycles, huh?"



"How did you know? It's kinda weird. One guy is painted like a bumble bee, and there is a lady with glitter all over her nibbles." (Sophie calls nipples "nibbles". It's quite perfect, really.) "Here, I'll let you talk to Maya."



"Hi Mom."



"Hey Maya. How are you doing? I bet your Dad was surprised when he saw those naked people on bicycles!" I said.



"Yeah. He told us not to look." Maya switches to a low, almost inaudible whisper, "I have never seen a man, well...you know....all naked and stuff."



"Not all naked. I heard they had some paint on," I said smiling like a fool.



"Mom. You know what I mean. It's weird. Not good weird."



"Yeah, I know honey. It never gets any better than that, really. Oh well. At least now you don't have to wonder."



"Yeah...I guess" she said with disgust.



At least she wasn't impressed. The discomfort that their Dad felt made me feel all warm and squishi inside. Really, if one of their parents were going to take them to a naked bicyclist fair I always assumed it would be me.



Sunday was spent in Seattle with my friend and co-worker Daniel. We bought High School Musical (from Disney Channel fame) tickets. Both Daniel and I were under the impression it was being put on by a young group of semi-seasoned actors.



We were wrong.



It was put on by a Children's Theatre - none of the children being over twelve. Since it deals with High School age issues and crushes and first kisses, etc......well let's just say it didn't translate well to the group.



It was painful.



So we spent the rest of the day parading ourselves around Seattle finding the pigs from the "Pigs on Parade" street art show. In celebration of Pikes Place Market 100th anniversary various artists came up with their own version of the famous Pikes Place Pig. (see below)



The one below has weird faces all over it. A bit scary - but a pig can definitely pull it off.



This one was my favorite. It had piercings all over (they were actually all different sized cupboard knobs but I totally got what they were going for). Daniel is, in the spirit of things, showing off his tongue piercing.


Then off to the market to purchase and devour the largest maple donut ever made.

And the waterfront would not be the same without a Merpig.

And the other side of the market boasted this beauty, aptly titled "This little piggy went to market".

And, of course, we had to go see Sylvester (and the shrunken heads, and the world's largest barnacle and a petrified whale penis) at Ye Ole Curiosity Shop.

And then Daniel carried the girls through all the people so they could scream and inadvertently kick unaware tourists. Right after this picture was taken Daniel and I stopped to get ice cream. The outdoor speakers were blaring Sinead O'connor's "Nothing Compares To You" - and although I have not heard that song in at least 12 years - we serenaded the audience while waiting for our Old Fashioned Butter Pecan. I think they were glad when we stopped. They had that "scared smile" thing going on.

As if we hadn't had enough sugar, we later found a new store called "Chocolate Box" that was just a little bit evil and a lot bit good. The girls LOVE dark chocolate and each got their own bar.

And this pig sat right outside the door.

It was a fantastic day. Sugar. Pigs. Mummies. Bad Musicals. It just doesn't get any better.

What did you do?

What We Did This Weekend - You're Standing On My Girlfriend Edition

Ahhh...what a difference a weekend makes.

I finally decided to just go to Packwood and force my back to comply with my wishes. It seems that two nights and three days of frivolity is just what the doctor ordered.

We took Grace with us...her parents are more of the five-star hotel type, so as you can imagine this was quite fun for her.

We got to Dave's place in the woods in the mid-afternoon and immediately took to the trail that leads to the waterfall. It is so beautiful there. Man, I love it.

When we arrived there was a middle-aged man standing at the base of the falls. The girls took the trail to the top of the waterfall, and I decided to hang back and let the man have his quiet time. After awhile her turned, walked down the trail toward me, and then said the strangest thing.

"You're standing on my girlfriend," he said.

"Excuse me?" I couldn't have heard him correctly, could I?

"You're standing on my girlfriend," he said again, pointing toward my feet this time.

Of course, I looked down, relatively sure that his girlfriend was NOT going to be under my feet. I peered around, then something caught my eye just behind my heels.

A small cross was meticulously drawn out with stones at the base of the tree. A plastic water bottle held some wildflowers.

Apparently I was standing on his girlfriend.

In a creepy, heartbroken way he pointed out what he said were some bone fragments. "We were going to get married here. I live in a trailer a ways down the trail. One day I woke up and she didn't," he sighed.

"Oh my gosh! I am really sorry. I didn't know she was here....I mean....I had no idea. Geez. Um, I've got to go check on the kids," and off I scrambled.

You just never know who you might meet in the woods. Or for that matter, who you might stand on.

Later Dave came up the trail after the scary guy left and we enjoyed celebrating Memorial Day... In the picture below you will see Dave and his dog Juno "standing on his girlfriend".

And here's a nice one of Juno with the memorial cross and flowers. I like to call this photo "Sitting on his Girlfriend". (Is this funny? Why does it just absolutely crack me up? Is it wrong?)

Later in the day we started a fire and started to collect a lot of people and their dogs. Juno is a lap dog, if you couldn't already tell.

This semi-pornographic pic is of the best dog I have ever met. His name is Frank. He is, get this, a cross between a dachshund and a pit bull. Everything about his says dachshund, but he has a robust pit bull head and brindle coloring. Frank is a gem. I loved him.

Here is a good representation of some of the camp craziness. Dave's "cabin" is actually more like a 1972 single-wide trailer - but being that it is out in the woodsy type area, we refer to it in the cabin-type vernacular. On the right, above Sophie's arm and to the left of the orange wiffle ball bat and 1980's colored bicycle, is Frank again.

On the left, with the group of three people, are the other dogs that graced our weekend. The reddish blur is a beautiful 7-month old red Doberman named Freya. And next to her is the little black Manchester terrier, Manny Biggs. And boy does he live up to his name.

It was like a dog episode of the Sopranos all weekend.

This is all of us heading down the road to the driving range. Dave has about 80 sets of golf clubs, just for the very reason that 35 of his closest friends may some day come camping and want to drive some balls.

Um...the driving range was closed when we got there.

So...we played wiffle baseball. Please note the air horn in Dave's right hand. I got to sound it at every inning change.

This smashed dandelion was third base. First base was a paper plate. Second you just sort of had to visualize for yourself.

Oh, and I'm safe.

A bit later in the evening I was serenaded for my birthday by Zach Zimmerman. He had a very romantic song that he wrote himself called, "Party in My Pants". I was flattered.

Then we all sang a very soulful rendition of Poison's "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" (and they all laughed really hard at me when I told them that it was the theme of my high school prom). There was not a dry eye in the house.

The next day we cooked some Jiffy Pop over the fire, but alas, it was really just hot air and about 15 popped kernels.

Gracie found a butterfly.

Maya was irritated with my incessant picture taking.

Sophie was trying to hide the fact she was drinking a soda for breakfast.

And the following picture sums up exactly why I will be friends with Dave until the day that I die. (The orange sticker reads "Special of the Week")

And some last beautiful pics from our hike back to the waterfall on Monday.....

Happy Memorial Day everybody!

WWDTW - Flaming Geyser

*Updated! With bigger and better pictures!*

**Also note - I am a horrible movie-end-ruiner, so if you don't know what happens at the end of "Bridge to Terabithia" then, good God man, stop reading right here!**

Finally! Something that I can actually write about for a "What We Did This Weekend" post. Its been a long time.

First of all, the girls and I - along with Mistah, Natalie and Grace - went to "Bridge to Terabithia" this weekend. Holy. It was very sad. Sophie cried for an hour - and it would have been longer but she cried herself to sleep.

It was a fantastic movie - and we all knew that she died in the book. But...wow.

We also took advantage of the one great sunshiny day to go to a local state park called "Flaming Geyser". It is beautiful there, and luckily only 20 minutes from my house. You all should come visit. I would take you there. Really, I would.

Rivers are obviously very funny.

Oooo....ahhhhh.....

Can you get any more mossy? It's a fairy world. Sophie loves it.

Please notice that little trees are growing out of the fallen tree that is bridging the trail. Cool, huh?

More tomorrow.....

What I Did This Weekend - Distraction

You may notice that the weekly segment's title this week is changed just a bit. The "we" has morphed to an "I".

I can't deny that everything done this weekend was totally for my own benefit.

I spent Friday night with three friends drinking mulled wine and playing Cranium. My team won by the way. And we hardly cheated at all!

Saturday was spent doing chores and getting ready to go to a Halloween costume party with my friend Jeannie. We went as Nick and Nora - the characters from Dashiel Hammett's Thin Man series. I was looking quite smashing as Nora in my sparkly, fringy black dress, red feather boa, insanely high heels, and even more insane red lipstick.

But, the MapQuest directions were no good. We had no phone number. We drove in circles.

And then we went to eat at the Thai place by the mall. There was no shortage of strange looks.

Sunday was spent lolling alongside the Carbon River. I lay directly down in the sand - the finest sand ever on the earth. It's made of ash and glacial silt and lahar leavings. It's beautiful stuff, like powdered sugar. The girls played in the clay - making quicksand and taking turns saving each other from it.

My heart just wasn't in it.


Saturday Voldemort got married.


I thought I would be okay with it. I have had since Spring to come to the realization that I had missed my chance. For two years he had been so sweet. Said all the right things. Sent me little notes in the mail like this:

"You bring light to the world. It has been dark here lately. I need to see you soon."

No matter how I replay it, I still made the right decision for me. I couldn't go there. I knew he was looking to get married and have that picture perfect thing. He needs his own children. He needs his own non-watered-down experience. And I can't and won't have that to offer for quite some time.

But still, it hurt.

Friday night I was telling on of my favorite stories about my college roommate and I watching "Let's Make a Deal" and how the adorable, young, and obviously broke couple made us cry. They would have been totally happy with Door Number One - but it was quite obviously not the best door. All of a sudden my laughter dissolved into tears. They all thought I was just doing the patented Shari-laughing-so-hard-she's-crying thing. But I had just realized how fitting the rest of the story was. I wasn't able to finish it then, but I will now....

The damn audience pushed and pushed them to choose another door. Laura and I yelled, "No! You'll be happy with this! What if you get a goat (or something)?" I was on the edge of my seat with worry for them.

They chose another door much to my dismay. And guess what?

They won a trip around the world. The honeymoon they never had.

I would have never imagined it was possible.

I'm not very good at that game.

What We Did This Weekend - Pumpkin Patch

We didn't even mean to end up at the Pumpkin Patch today. We just went for a walk on the River Trail - and lo and behold - there we were!
On the walk there, we did have a great opportunity to catch falling leaves in our umbrellas. If you haven't tried this, you should.
Sigh. Man, I love this place. It just overwhelms the senses.
And the huge sawdust pile and wheeled toys with which to ride down it is just about the best thing ever.
Four Pumpkins.
And, of course, the requisite corn maze.
And warty gourds. (That would be a great name for a rock band. The Warty Gourds.)
Mini Pumpkins!
And my personal favorite, Cinderella pumpkins.

Wish you could have been there.