Monday, November 07, 2005


co-nun-drum n. 1. A riddle in which a a fanciful quesiton is answered by a pun. 2. a. A problem admitting of no satisfactory solution. b. A difficult and complicated problem.

I am at a 2.a. or b. in my life.

Voldemort (he-who-must-not-be-named) is my conundrum. He has snuck in under my "I don't need or want a man" radar. He is charming, he is sweet, my girls adore him. It was NOT supposed to happen this way.

He is quite apparent in his interest in me - to a point. I feel now as if it is my turn to give some sort of signal. A hint. Anything.

But I can't. Oh, I want to. But I can't.

And here is why.

I have to wonder if the point that he won't seem to cross is there for a specific reason. That reason being that I am overweight, and although he acts very interested and attentive, he just can't bear to take it any further.

I have gone through the thought processes of....

"The more weight I lose, the more chance I have that his interest will be taken to the next level."

But then there is....

"If I am not acceptable to him now, then just *&ck him! I am good enough just the way I am."

And then....

"When I lose the weight, what if he does go to the next level then? That is the worst. I will hate him for it. And maybe, it will have been timing and not my weight at all, and I could just totally screw up a good thing by totally overthinking...."

And even more...

"What if no one else shows any interest until I lose weight, then I will have to hate all of them and wonder where the hell they were when I was fat. I wish, if my destiny is to find someone, that I would do it when I was fat and then lose weight so I would know that they loved ME first. You know?"

I have been both fat and in seriously great shape in my life. At one time I would ride my bike 20-40 miles, run a mile or two and do some weight training every day. EVERY DAY! I would cry if I didn't do it.

I know both sides. I know how I was treated then and how I am treated now. I have been through both and I know the shallowness of not only men, but of people in general. I don't trust anyone that is not here with me now. Wholeheartedly loving me just because of me. I am funny, trustworthy, a great Mom and the most fantastic friend you have ever had.

I feel as if, because of this knowledge, I have doomed myself to a life of cynicism - being as critical of others as they have been to me.

How the hell do I get out of this one?


At 12:08 PM, Blogger Sherri said...

Maybe he hasn't made the next move because he realizes that you are the amazing person you described in your post and he is scared of rejection. Maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with your weight at all. Maybe you do need to give that signal that you are interested and he will move forward. Maybe, just maybe, this will all work out and you will be amazingly happy.

Give it a chance. :)

At 2:13 PM, Blogger Squishi said...

This one's easy.

Lose weight for YOU, don't change a thing for him. If he likes you, he likes YOU, no matter what you look like.


zncccnov (these are getting longer!) = when you look after yourself and love yourself, then others can love you.

At 10:25 PM, Blogger KOM said...

Being an amatuer windbag (I plan to go pro as soon as I can find someone to pay me for it), here are my two cents.

If he is showing interest, interest to the point where you don't write "I think he is showing interest...", but that he is, it would seem that he is, ummm, interested.

Knowing nothing of the particulars, I'm at a slight disadvantage. But if he's sticking around, and is exhibiting more than platonic signals, I wouldn't worry.

I've had several great platonic relationships in my life. But it was always clear, very shortly into the friendship, that we were simply friends. If there is any question about the role, especially when dealing with "friends", then it is an open invitation to see what may come.

And most importantly: Just because you are concerned about an attribute of yourself does not mean that he is. Don't be a hater for self-involved reasons. There are plenty of reasons to dislike people that have nothing to do with you! :)


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