Dichotomy

I am feeling restless.

My legs are jumpy and I haven't been able to concentrate very well.

I don't know if the trip to the ocean was a way of trying to get rid of this feeling, or if it is what started it.

I feel like I really have my life figured out - in as much as you can do such a thing. I am very happy at work, I love my family....I am busy....I have great friends.

What the hell is this thing?

You know the feeling you get sometimes when you look at a sky full of stars? That "I don't want to ever, ever, ever die I am so happy" feeling.

It's like that. A feeling so good, but then again, so destined to fail.

What can be missing? I have everything I want and need. I want to stay at home and cuddle my girls while at the same time I want to travel the world by sailboat. I want to make my closets perfectly organized, yet I want to get rid of everything extraneous in my house.

I want to be alone, but I want someone around that I can tell that to. As if being alone is something worth having only if I can emphatically declare it.

I have tended, in the last few days, to fall into fits of hysterical laughter. This is, by no means, a strange thing for me. But it usually means that there is something bothering me.

Hysterical laughter is a great thing because you can laugh and cry at the same time. Sometimes I think it's the best way to be able to cry in front of someone without having to tell them what's wrong.

Don't get me wrong. I am very happy.

I think.