Sucker Punched

I never have trouble sleeping. I am always able to lie down and fall right to sleep, no matter what seems to be going on in my life. And for once, monetary worries have been totally lessened due to the new job so you think my sleep would be peaceful and easy.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep for anything.

I have been trying to take a hard line with my girls about them falling asleep and staying in their beds during the school week. I have always been of the opinion that it is perfectly okay for them to sleep with me if they choose to do so, but they are getting bigger and we all seem to sleep better if in our own beds. Sophie usually opts to sleep in her own bed. She has always been strong and confident on her own since she was a baby. Maya, however, would prefer if she never left my side.

I finally realized that the reason that I could not go to sleep was I really wanted them in there with me. I was lonely. Not scared - I swear to God- not scared. But that king sized bed just seem awfully roomy right then.

So, I went in to roust them both out of bed and they stumbled, bleary-eyed and confused, into my room.

You know when you look up into the night sky and the feeling of being infinitesimally small hits you like a ton of bricks? Not just the "gosh, the sky is big and isn't space cool" feeling, but the hit-you-in-the gut, incomprehensibility of it all just jabs you - making you hold your breath without realizing it.

I was lying in bed feeling Sophie's butter-soft skin and watching Maya's curl on her forehead moved each time she breathed - and it hit me like that. I love them. I am a better person because of them. I never want to die. I want to watch their every failure, every success, every happiness and sadness - forever.