I Am Fat

There. I said it. And it is not to get any attention or "Oh no you're not"s.

I realized that I have a problem with self image. When I was in high school I was 6'0" and wore a size 7. Pretty damn great. But I agonized about how fat I was.

I rode my bike 20+ miles per day, plus ran a few miles and lifted weights at least once EVERY DAY. I would cry when I didn't get it all in.

Now...well. I seriously think that I look pretty good. Until I see a picture. Or a reflection of myself in a window. I feel cute. Really I do. Much cuter than I apparently am.

Is this a problem? A blessing? I am, as yet, unsure.

You see, last night, Sophie was sitting in my lap (she is 6). We were surfing the channels for something to watch in our 1/2 hour of allotted TV time. We had stopped on "The Biggest Loser" just for a moment. I have never watched any reality TV- I am very proud to say- but this caught my eye.

The contestants were weighing in and adding up all of the weight that they had lost per team.

Sophie says, "You would never do that because you are skinny."

I replied, "Oh, honey, you don't have to say that. The truth is that I am fat. It's okay to say it as long as you aren't saying it to hurt anyone's feelings."

"But you always are sad when I say that you're fat," Soph counters.

(She is right. I don't know why, but I always have acted like they have hurt my feelings when they refer to me that way. I guess it is because I don't want them to tease other kids or something.....I'm not even sure.)

Nudging her with my elbow and smiling I say, "I'm sorry that I acted that way. It was pretty childish of me. I don't care that I am fat, but I want to be healthier. I'm pretty gorgeous right now I think."

(Sophie starts sobbing)

"What is wrong Soph?"

"I don't want you to get skinny!"

"Why?"

"I'm afraid I wouldn't recognize you. What if you cut your hair too?!"


So, much of the evening was spent trying to convince Sophie that I would never become unrecognizable to her. I told her that no matter what happened, all she would have to do is look into my eyes and she would know for sure. I assured her that I would always be the same person, skinny or fat, short or tall, short hair or long hair, light skin or dark skin.

I think she learned a lot. But, it brought up tons of questions for me.