Saturday, May 14, 2005

My Birthday Gift Registry

That's right! Only 12 more shopping days left! What follows is a list of not only what I want for my birthday, but what I expect....

I was looking in "The Onion" personals and found the perfect guy for me. Not only does his description of himself truly fit everything I have every wanted in a guy, but I can just pretend that I know him and never have to truly do the hard work of acutally contacting him. Here is his description......

"I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis." HG

I was going to include a link so you could view his amazing arms/chest/tatoo (I am not one that is really very into tatoos..... but it seems to work), but no one needs to know any more about him unless they are seriously going to inquire about getting him for me. All serious inquiries please email me for more information.

I also must have this t-shirt

Some way to short circuit the person who sits behind me at work whose whining day in and day out about everyone but themselves is making me mad. MAD! I tell you, MAD!

Terra cotta planting boxes of all sizes.

Respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Just a little bit.

A very life-like male torso with well-muscled chest and arms. I would tell my troubles to this torso and allow it to cuddle me if it promised not to tell anyone that I enjoyed cuddling. If options are available and the salesperson is trying to sell you extra parts, please know that this is all I really need and anything extra would only be distracting. (This is, of course, if you cannot purchase the perfect man, as listed above.)

Pirate voice lessons.

Some one really should get my car on "Pimp my Ride". The Minty Squirrel could use a makeover. Just think spinning hubcaps...... For anyone who may not know, the Minty Squirrel is a 1992 bright turquoise Ford Festiva. And in all seriousness, I love that car.

I'm sure there is more, I will keep thinking about it.....


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