Friday, March 10, 2006

Dangerous Mental Loops

I had a fight with my Mom last night.

I know that I have not been the easiest daughter to raise. I know I have also made my fair share of mistakes in my adult life. But how many times do I have to call her to make up for the times that I didn't call? How many good decisions do I have to make to make up for the bad ones? Is there a specific number?

At a certain point the "making up for it" thing is just not worth the fight anymore.

There is just something about "the tone". You know, that tone of voice that brings you right back to being 16 and grounded? It makes me insane. I get so incredibly angry when confronted by the tone that it really doesn't matter anymore if she has a valid point. The validity of her argument is negated by "the tone".

For the first time in a very long time I lay in bed last night wishing there was someone beside me. To talk to, to touch, to smell. Anything to stop the angry mental thought loop from circling through my head.

You know when you are in love with someone and they smell all manly and good and sleepy? You know when you just want to shove your nose into their neck and smell them because it is the smell of affection, protection and acceptance? Do you know?

Anyway, I miss that. But I also remember when that smell changed. It changed to indifference and later to dislike and later there was no smell at all. I think the body chemistry actually changes when someone loves you as opposed to when they don't.

I am going by smell from now on.

And I would rather smell my pillow than nothing at all.

5 Comments:

At 10:16 AM, Blogger anika said...

It's hard to get into fights with moms, I agree. Because no matter how growed up we are, we're still the kids.

 
At 11:45 AM, Anonymous megan said...

In my dreams, at night, I am always at my geekiest. 13 years old, shy and hesitant, with big feet and short wayward hair. Crippled with awkwardness.
The only other time I feel that is when my Mom (...or oddly my sister) levels the "tone" with me. I think part of the fury associated with it, is that obviously, somewhere in the frightened recesses of our minds, we still have residual connections to those characteristics we've worked so hard to crawl away from. The things our Mothers judge us on are things that we have changed, because, we too have realised that they are not redeeming qualities. We work hard to change because we don't like that part of ourselves, and then after it's all done and the dust settles and we are these people that we are proud of, our Mothers (or sisters or fathers or brothers....) look at us with their very special glasses and see us as we always were. 13 years old, with big feet and no self esteem. They manage to bypass the whole vital chapter.
The truth is, you are spectacular. You juggle any number of things at one time. Never complaining, always supportive of the people you love, working hard, ever joyful. An absolute jewel of a person. You are complete in your own self, and relying on no one to help you through the rougher periods.
When the time comes ( and I know it will, even if you don't need anybody ) and the right smell arrives, you will be ready for him. He will see you for what you are and his smell will stay constant and beloved. Trust me. Once the right person finds you he will never let you go.
xxm

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Shari said...

See? See why I adore Megan!?!

Oh Megan, you know me so well. You feel the same things I do.

I love you.

And this made me drop my forehead to the keyboard at work in a desperate attempt to control the scary sobbing that was threatening to bubble to the surface. Then the damn keyboard started beeping because it was typing kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger Janie said...

shari, you are definitely on to something. i think i will start sniffing more. (i hope this does not cause my nose to grow or turn red, b/c i think the clown resemblance would alienate my sm!)

 
At 4:24 AM, Blogger Squishi said...

i don't miss the HORRIBLE smelly feet, but i know exactly what you're talking about.

*sigh*.

 

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